I’ve been meaning to address this issue for a while now. And by “this issue” I mean hangovers. I heard a rumor that there’s a Hangover III coming out in May, and I thought ‘what a perfect excuse to blog about my EPIC hangovers.’ I’m not exaggerating when I describe my hangovers as epic either. And it’s not like it’s because I’m getting old either because this has been going on since the day I started binge drinking (when I turned 21, obviously.. definitely not before then when I was attending the #1 party school in the country and joined a sorority…) Also, for you goodie two-shoes out there who only drink a glass of champagne on New Year’s Eve, I would advise not reading this post because surely it will do nothing but make you judge me (and it’s too late to call the judge).

So basically my nights out (which have become far more sparse in the past couple of years) follow in the sequence of those lovely gifs: First I’m all “gross, omg, I hate liquor,” then I’m all “MY GO GO JUICE GONNA HELP ME WIIIIIN,” then it’s “I just wanna effing DANCE,” quickly followed by “waaaaaaaahhhhhhh,” then there’s usually a little bit of awful, drunk sleep interrupted soon after by violent vomiting and the next 24 hours are spent telling everyone “I’m never drinking again.”

On particularly awful days, however, the vomiting continues through the next 12-15 hours and I’m almost positive that I’m going to die (this probably hasn’t happened since my 21st birthday, but still). I may or may not have some sort of allergy to alcohol, but as much as these hangovers truly suck, I am a trooper and don’t let it stop me (kind of like when I throw all caution to the wind and devour a triple cheese pizza.. and then hate myself for the next 12 hours). Instead I have come up with some go-to hangover cures (which never, ever work, but they do seem to ease the pain somewhat, so I stick with them).

#1: For whatever reason sweet tea seems to be the only liquid that will go down (and stay down, for the most part) when I’m in hangover mode. And I mean disgustingly sweet tea, too, like the $.99 kind from McDonald’s. The kind that immediately gives you diabetes. The kind I would, under normal circumstances, never subject my body to. Sometimes, after enough sweet tea, Gatorade seems to be helpful as well, but despite my obvious dehydration, my body totally rejects plain old water.

#2: Chick Fil-A. Now if you know anything about me and my beliefs, you’ll see why this is a problem. I absolutely do not want to support an institution like this with my hard earned money, but damn it if they’re nuggets and waffle fries aren’t flippin’ delicious! The Chick Fil-A sauce is the real kicker because where else am I going to find Chick Fil-A sauce?! Most of my fried chicken needs are met these days by Zaxby’s, but their Zax sauce just doesn’t compare. Maybe I’ll learn how to make my own Chick Fil-A sauce… I’ll work on it and get back to you.

#3: Showers are a hangover’s best friend. I have been known to take ridiculously long hangover showers, where often I’m 80% asleep on the floor of the shower. I realize this is wasteful, and I’m a bad person, but when you’re about to vom your guts everywhere, you’re generally not too mindful of the environment (at least temporarily). 

#4: Lastly, Advil. This stuff helps everything. The trick, however, is getting your stomach to a level of calmness to where swallowing the pill will not reverse all the progress previously made. 

Then you just wait. Sleep when you can. Stay very still. Occasionally curl up into fetus position and think about what you’ve done. There are of course some preliminary steps you could take during the night to avoid this situation, like drinking water between drinks, eating food at the end of the night, maybe NOT going drink for drink with dudes who are three times your size, but of course the best way to avoid this debacle would be to not binge drink in the first place. 

And that’s what I plan to do. My body has been through enough abuse, I hereby pledge to take better care of it. As fun as it’s been, hangovers, I never want to see you again. Moderation is a word I’d like to make better use of in my life. I’m not saying I’m never going to drink again (because let’s face it, I like the nightlife, baby), I’m just saying if you see me out and it looks like I’m about to start taking shots, tackle me immediately.

There you have it. An entire blog post inspired by hangovers. You’re welcome.

PS: Check me out over on Whiskey Tango Foxtrot today!!